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Dating quotes

DATING

I prefer young girls, their stories are shorter.
Thomas McGuane

I have such poor vision, I can date anybody.
Garry Shandling

I like only two types of men – domestic and foreign.
Mae West

– What are you doing in the closet?
– Nothing. Come on in!
Groucho Marx

I don’t use the word “relationship”. Unless you’re screwing your cousin, that’s a “relationship”
Lewis Grizzard

Once a woman has given her heart you can never get rid of the rest of her.
John Vanbrugh

If you leave me, can I come too?
Anon

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they’re probably broke.
Rhonda Rickson

MARRIAGE

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A wedding is a funeral where you smell your own flowers
Eddie Cantor

The longest sentence you can form with two words is ‘I do”
H.L. Mencken

The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Joseph Cossman

CHILDREN AND FAMILY

Pregnancy is incredible. I can’t believe you can create a human being just from the things you have around the house.
Shang

I felt like a man trapped in a woman’s body. Then I was born.
Chris Bliss

Having children gives your life a purpose. Right now, my purpose is to get some sleep.
Reno Goodale

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot. But I always found them.
Rodney Dangerfield

EGO

There are two types of people: those who walk into a room and say: “Well, here I am”, and those who walk into a room and say, “Ah, there you are”.
Frederick Collins

His great dream is to die in his own arms.
Irving Rudd

ADVICE

Never do anything in bed that you can’t pronounce. (Sing instead)
Mitch Murray

Two heads are better than one – unless they’re on the same body.
Harry Hershfield

“Be youself!” is about the worst advice you can give to some people.
Tom Masson

It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same.
Philip Gibbs

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