I prefer young girls, their stories are shorter.
I have such poor vision, I can date anybody.
I like only two types of men – domestic and foreign.
– What are you doing in the closet?
– Nothing. Come on in!
I don’t use the word “relationship”. Unless you’re screwing your cousin, that’s a “relationship”
Once a woman has given her heart you can never get rid of the rest of her.
If you leave me, can I come too?
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they’re probably broke.
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
A wedding is a funeral where you smell your own flowers
The longest sentence you can form with two words is ‘I do”
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
CHILDREN AND FAMILY
Pregnancy is incredible. I can’t believe you can create a human being just from the things you have around the house.
I felt like a man trapped in a woman’s body. Then I was born.
Having children gives your life a purpose. Right now, my purpose is to get some sleep.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot. But I always found them.
There are two types of people: those who walk into a room and say: “Well, here I am”, and those who walk into a room and say, “Ah, there you are”.
His great dream is to die in his own arms.
Never do anything in bed that you can’t pronounce. (Sing instead)
Two heads are better than one – unless they’re on the same body.
“Be youself!” is about the worst advice you can give to some people.
It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same.