English

Love and fear

Have you ever been loved.. and rejected by the same person at the same time?
At certain moment it can feel like hell and heaven, full of contradiction, confusion. You feel like blaming the person for being so lost, confused, and scared. At one moment he would tell you that he needs you in his life, that you are the ultimate, that he wants you forever, you would feel your heart throbbing with hopes only to see a short text the next day from him that he wants to end everything with you because he is scared, because he cant handle you.

And your heart is broken. You immediately build up a wall of protection, you seek reasons within reasons.. to try making sense of it. Does that mean this whole time he has been playing with your innocence? Does that mean he is careless and inconsiderate of other’s feeling? Does that mean he is selfish? You feel stupid for having given yourself to such person, you feel used after throwing yourself fearlessly into his arms, only to find he let you fall hard on the concrete floor…

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You try to gather yourself. But your limps are fallen apart, your heart is broken in to pieces, your soul is smashed, your brain is dysfunctional. You enter a state of trance where denial and bitterness surround. So much. That all you can be is to freeze up. You cant even cry.

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Million of questions “Why”, “How”… and you realise you are trying to fix it, you are trying to convince him to change his mind..  And he said he’d rather hear lies from women that they love him than to open up his heart and give it to anyone else.

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And just when you thought you were getting used to not seeing him.. He comes back to you, saying he is in love with you more than ever. He wants to make it work. He say he realised everything he had done and he was sad about it. He wants to live with you. He starts making plan. You are scared. You are happy. But you are really fragile and wounded. You tell yourself to be strong and follow your heart.

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You devote yourself more than ever, into the relationship. You read book after book and tips after tips, on how to stay calm, how to be the best you can be for him. You try to understand his needs, you open up your wound and share your vulnerability with him.. so that it help him understand you.

He came one day, kissed and caressed you. Then made an excuse to leave early. And at 3am in the morning he wrote to you that “this is it”. He says he is not mature or man enough for the scenario. He leaves you in confusion when he says he love you so much but he prefers something easier.

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The pain is so much that you begin to find a way out. You resisted talking to him or having any contact. But that only makes it worse. You saw him in the alley at 4am with a new girl and you are totally demolished. You are torn a part. You think you are shutting down forever.

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He tells you he loves you more and more each day. That it kills him to break up with you when he is still so in love. He says he sees you every day, every moment.. 100 times a day. He says it hurts so badly.. He says you are an alien that a Queen would not even be the right title to address you. He says by stopping the relationship he has submitted to your power and glory.. He says he is fragile and scared…


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And yet.. you are still loving him..

You’ve been trying to show him how strong you are.. All those glory.. And when the darkness fall.. you find yourself crying alone..

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